Sometimes It's Love And Light. Sometimes It's Rage & Sadness.
Shadow Work & Witchcraft aren’t going to cure your depression.
But it will help you understand it, sit with it, prepare for it, alchemize it, manifest with it.
All the tools in your healing tool kit may not ever really “cure” it.
Manifesting, having all the money, time, and resources in the world also won’t make depression or anxiety magically go away for good.
You see, while we are spirit and soul, we are also humans, here to have human experiences.
That means we cycle through the emotional wheel. We have ups and downs.
Sometimes it’s love and light, sometimes it’s rage and sadness.
I turned my life around. I manifested a wonderful relationship, friends,community, self-confidence, travels, investments, a business I love, money, weight loss, self-love, and more. I am pretty damn good at manifesting when I put my mind to it, if I do say so.
I went from being miserable in every aspect of life, to manifesting all the things I really truly desired. It was a pretty magical journey.
Yet….
After trying all.the.things and learning how to manifest exactly what I want all the time, I have come to several conclusions.
The first conclusion- Magic and Manifesting aren’t going to fully heal depression.
Getting everything you want isn’t going to get rid of sad feelings completely. Medication wasn’t the cure for me either. For me personally, medication was just going to suppress all the feels, band-aid them.
But, it wasn’t going to go away. Intuitively I knew it was something that I’d either have to face now, or face later if I ever wanted to stop taking medication. No judgment about it, that just wasn’t my path. That wasn’t my “medicine.”
Really, we can do one of three things when it comes to our sadness, anxiety, and depression.
We can suppress it.
We can let it take us down.
Orrrr we can learn to work with it. We can learn how to allow for the ebbs and flows that come along with being a human. We can become a team with our depression (as odd as that may sound).
I started out on my shadow work journey to cure my depression, anger, sadness, and anxiety.
What I found instead was much more gold than a cure…
For many of us it's not going to fully go away, so we may as well learn to work with it, accept it (but not succumb to it, there is a big difference), and learn how to find grace in the roller coaster ride.
To do this, we must choose to step into our Warrior Archetype and fight the good fight.
The moments of depression still come, but I work with these moments in a much different way now.
I am sure you have heard the saying WHAT YOU RESIST GROWS.
So, I allow for days where I want to stay in bed. Days when I need to ignore the world, my phone, and my work. Days where I may take more than one nap. But I do now limit them. I have worked with my own depression so much that I know when it is coming on. And I allow it- because for me, there is nothing I can do that fully stops it from showing up.
The good news is in doing this work these sad moments went from:
Everyday, to maybe a week or two at a time, to a few days at a time, to just a few days out of the month.
I’d say that’s quite the improvement. If it can change for me, it can change for you.
But, you’ve got to choose it.
Through my shadow work journey, I also discovered that we can get fulfillment out of all our emotions. IF that’s the perspective we choose. (check out the book Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot, there is some shadow alchemy gold in the EK process).
We can alchemize, we can manifest, we can grow through the “good” emotions and the “bad”.
That means we don’t necessarily have to always feel the urge to push away all the “bad” emotions.
We don’t have to stuff them down.
We don’t have to be overtaken by them either.
We can portal into them. We can find the gold within them. We can challenge ourselves to flow through them. Key word being: flow. Flowing with your emotions does not mean letting them take over and you swim in them. (Those of you who were in our 2021 Fall Soul Wealth Accelerator, you know all about portaling into the undesirable emotions and fears! Teach your friends!)
If you turned to witchcraft and shadow work to heal like I did, you may find yourself a bit disappointed. Possibly even discouraged that you still experience moments of sadness, anger, anxiety, or depression creeping up on you, despite all the healing and magical work you do.
Depression is a beast of its own. One I have been battling with for the past few decades.
It has some strong cords to anxiety, hopelessness, rage, and grief.
Depression has turned into a catch all word, but for those that battle with it, you know there are many emotions and layers to work through.
For years I thought I was depressed and full of anxiety strictly because of my outer circumstances. You know, the job, the traffic, the failing relationship, the low confidence.
Don’t get me wrong, these things definitely do contribute to the depressive potion, but they aren’t always the cause, and they aren’t the full “fix.”
You see, I fixed the job problem, the relationship problem, and the traffic problem.
Yet the shadow of depression and chronic “I am not enoughness” are still a part of my blueprint.
I still find myself on the battlegrounds.
I still tussle with an army of overwhelming thoughts and emotions that anxiety or depression can bring.
It’s not always situational. It’s not always hormonal- however that’s also a part of the potion. Sometimes it’s just a part of what I came here to experience and overcome. And to help others empower themselves through their “bad” emotions too.
There is another layer many of us add to this potion: Self-shame.
“I have so much of what I want, I should be happy, right?”
Other times, it may come from someone else’s perspective.
“Your life isn’t that bad, people have it way worse than you, you should be grateful.First world problems.”
Just because we have all the things, doesn’t mean all the undesriables within us magically go away.
There is also a level of reprogramming and repattering that can be a b**** too.
I have to consciously choose happiness and joy each day. And other days I allow the emotions to flow through, even if they are uncomfortable. And then other days I enter the battle grounds and fight off the old cycle of depression.
But even if it’s a battle to get there, I want you to keep this next little piece in your heart.
I am handing it to you, to install directly in the heart space: It won’t always be a battle.
And on the days it is a fight- well hey, that’s what our inner warrior is there for! That’s why it’s reeeaalll handy to know and understand all parts of yourself. So you can call forward the version of you that is required in each moment. A little shape-shifting if you will. Flowing through it all.
After you work through all the layers and shadows, you then have to go through the “re-coding” process.
Your patterns need to change.
How you show up to life needs to change.
Your behaviors. Your thoughts.
We can’t keep doing and thinking the same way and expect to be a different person.
AND FOR THAT, YOU HAVE TO KEEP CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSING YOUR PERSPECTIVE EACH AND EVERY DAY. YOU HAVE TO KEEP SHOWING UP FOR THE JOURNEY.
I keep asking myself what the purpose is for this blog. I felt compelled to write about my depression, so I did. I believe now there are two reasons why.
#1 Reason: To share hope.
Your life can be different, even with relentless cycles of depression.
If I can learn to make magic with my sadness, I know you can too.
You just have to want it, require it, and dedicate yourself to it.
What helped me was to make it a non-f***ing-negotiable to find the gold in ALL aspects of me. Which means, I’ve got to show up and commit to the ride.
***Side note, I did the same thing with my neurodivergence. I made it a non-negotiable to learn how to find the power from adhd like behaviors and anxiety. It works here too! I have really been learning how to work with my neurodivergence as a superpower instead of a disability, Creating magic with the chaos in my mind.***
#2 Reason: I hope my words serve as your permission slip if you need one.
It’s OK if your life is exactly how you want it to be, but you still get sad.
It’s OK if you have everything you want, but some days you just need to stay in bed.
It’s OK if your life and your thoughts are not all love and light. It’s unreasonable to think they would be.
It’s OK to decide you want to find the magic in your “negative” emotions and cycles, rather than shaming them or thinking yourself wrong for having them.
It’s OK if you have done a shit ton of shadow work, but still feel depressed or mad sometimes.
May my words inspire you, give you hope, and help you to feel seen, held, and understood.
Sending ALL the empowerment, magic, and abundance your way.
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